Every other week on Shorebread one of our “single ladies” will give you a firsthand account of their trials and tribulations navigating the shore’s single scene. We’re in favor of the romantic notion of letter writing–you remember, in the olden days before emails and Facebook, when people handwrote letters and waited weeks for a response. With that in mind, each writer will be signing off under the same penname—Single at the Shore. They are writing to you, dear readers. Feel free to comment, or share your dating stories too.
Introducing The Eternal Girlfriend…
Do men fantasize about popping the question, getting married, even having a wedding? These are things that little girls dream about their entire lives; fairytales in their minds that revolve around a prince charming, a fancy white dress, being surrounded by their family members, and celebrating a life-long unity. Over the past few years, I’ve dated too many men who are completely against getting married, opposed to spending their lives with just one woman. Men who would need to be pushed down the aisle, drug kicking and screaming all the way to the alter.
I’m one of those girls that really want to get married and have a family. Am I wrong for splitting up with someone when they say that they never ever want to get married? Is it wrong to break up with a man who says he never wants to have children? Those are two giant red flags, flashing caution signs that cause a relationship to come to a screeching halt in my mind. If a man is so convinced that he does not want those things, than I am convinced that he is not the man for me.
Marriage and children are vital life components according to me. Something I consider a necessity. Things that I feel no life would be complete without. As I venture further into my late 20’s, the increased feeling of necessity strengthens. I am a very independent woman who is secure in myself and my goals. I am career oriented but also relationship driven. I can completely take care of myself, am a self-sufficient, goal-oriented ‘gal, but it’d be great to have someone to share my accomplishments, secrets, and divulge romantically with.
If a guy says he may want to get married and share a life with a woman somewhere down the road, he’s really saying he doesn’t want to marry her. A lot if it is based on timing and clearly the time is wrong. The girl in a relationship with a man who wants to get married sometime in the future needs to see his opinion for what it is, not what she wants it to be.
A man first sees a woman as nothing more than a girlfriend, not a wife. With many women, when they are on the prowl, they are not seeking a boyfriend, they are searching for a husband; someone who they can see spending the rest of their lives with, not just someone they will spend a few months with, and leave. It’s a constant search for someone who is worthy of carrying the title of ‘husband’.
A study recently conducted showed that over 50% of unmarried men said that they were not interested in getting married during the current stage of their lives. What is the current stage? Career oriented? In today’s economy, not many folks are happy with their career, salary, or current work-related situations that puts a great deal of stress on their relationships.
After discussing things with a girlfriend, she offered some advice, “He can’t imagine having kids now, because it’s all about his career; there isn’t room for anything else. He wants a wife and kids eventually, he thinks, but always in a future sense.” If now isn’t the time, then when is it? When will he finally be ready?
A woman should not be restricted by an indecisive man. Frustration sets in when a woman’s timeline is directly linked to a man’s career, leaving her always deferring to a man because a man is directly linked to a marriage and creating children. It could be a never ending cycling resulting in the woman becoming an Eternal Girlfriend.
If a man doesn’t see himself getting married and procreating, he should tell a woman sooner than later. Yes, people should take some time dating and finding out what their mutual interests and life priorities are, but that doesn’t take years. I believe that within six months of dating someone, you can determine if you will spend the rest of your life with them or not. After six months, you’ve probably discussed your values, goals and beliefs, know their character traits, idiosyncrasies, habits, and know whether or not you can live with them.
You shouldn’t feel bad about knowing what you want out of life, unless you plan on not going out and achieving your plans, but in the same regard – be mature about it. Understand why a man feels the way he does about these heavy subjects. Rather than having to deal with an unsettled man and his singular wants for several years, ask him how he feels and figure out how this will change your life as a couple. It may change things, for better or for worse.
Men who say they may eventually want to get married, maybe even have kids, could put a hold on your dating life. Why should you pin yourself to one man who maybe one day, maybe someday, maybe never decides that he may want to have a family. It’s not fair to string a woman along, to make her think that it’s a possibility. Having to think about and deal with the burden of a man coming to terms with marriage and kids is just that – a burden. It will be a burden if the ultimate decision is to never have kids and never get married and she’s stuck around waiting for it to happen.
Both parties in a relationship should respect their significant other’s opinions. Everyone has a right to their feelings and thoughts, finding someone who shares the same ideals in either categories is the hard part. It’s disheartening to know that many men out there are freaked out by marriage, something that’s supposed to be joyful and everlasting. Who wants to be an eternal girlfriend? Not this girl.
— Single at the Shore
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