Sex is more casual than ever. The double standard once in place has finally shifted, making men & women sexual equals. As we become increasingly free to indulge in physical relationships with relatively fewer consequences (let’s give a round of applause to birth control and contraceptives) a trend has arisen over the past 20 years: friends with benefits. We’ve all either dabbled with the idea, or ventured to that next level of friendship at some point or another, but can it work? Are the negatives that come along with this type of tryst worth the promise of casual sex and limitations set by an actual relationship?
The beauty of a “Friends with Benefits” situation is that absolute clarity that is established from the beginning. So long as both parties are being honest and whole heartedly agree that it is solely about romping, you can’t go wrong. Neither party can accuse the other of using them, because in all realness, you’ve already agreed to just that… Use each other for sex. If either person is secretly hoping for more, the trouble of dishonesty arises, and someone will be in for a nasty disappointment.
Friends with benefits scenarios have also stormed the silver screen, but in these big budget scripts the endings are always the same. They meet, they agree to have intercourse, ‘no strings attached’, get in a ridiculous argument, and then make up and fall in love. Okay, so plenty of fantastic relationships begin with friendships, but here’s the reality check – you are not Mila Kunis! If you think for one second that your part time lover is going to profess his love for you with a flash mob in the middle of Grand Central Station, you are probably a tad on the unrealistic side. You should probably avoid the friends with benefits scenario as a whole, because let’s face it – you may be a little unstable.
Before taking the plunge, you need to have a serious conversation with your partner-in-bed-to-be regarding rules. It’s important to establish the boundaries upfront to make this as uncomplicated as possible. I’ve come up with a list of ‘Do’s’ and ‘Don’ts’ when it comes to being a successful beneficial friend in bed.
DO’s:
1.If you haven’t already, the first step is to discuss each other’s sex lives. You need to make sure your potential buddy is not sleeping around recklessly. Not all friendships last forever, but Herpes does. Nobody wants that so protect your body first and foremost. Make sure you convey the importance to your friend about protecting yourself. There are multitudes of contraceptives and protection out there. Don’t me a moron. Just do it, plain and simple.
2.Be brutally honest. Establish what you want and how you want it. Open communication is the key. I recommend setting a guideline that if either person starts to develop more feelings, they need to wave the white flag, cut, and run as fast as they can before the threat of pesky emotions gets involved.
3.A favorite and the most fun advice to follow: get adventurous! Come on, this is a friend you are taking to bed. You have gotten this far into the discussion, you obviously trust each other. So what I’m saying is – cut loose, go wild! You’re not trying to restrict yourself with some random person so go to town in the bedroom. This could be your opportunity of a sexual life time, don’t waste it.
4.Use discretion. Keep your intimate relationship to yourselves. There is no need to get other friends involved. They’ll just put sappy, unrelated stuff in your head. Bonus: the whole undercover lover thing could make it more exciting. When the deal is done with you won’t have to explain it to anyone if no one knew in the first place. Keep it to yourselves.
FWB No-No’s:
1.Don’t expect a relationship. If you’ve already started picking baby names and reception locations, BAIL NOW! Don’t expect the other person to fall madly in love with you. Adding mating habits to the equation can be tricky. The chemicals your brain releases during moments of passion can be easily misconstrued and it can be difficult to distinguish the sexual chemistry from the emotional element. Keep this in mind and try to stay as level headed as possible. If you need to, call a time-out.
2.Don’t get jealous. Jealousy sucks in general, regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. So guess what? It’s even less cool if you’re just fooling around. If you feel jealous tendencies creeping upon you, stop, pinch yourself and remember the goal at hand. You’re in for some ‘tail’, not a ‘fairy tale.’
3.Don’t get clingy. This should go without saying, but ladies, I get it! Sometimes you get a little too comfortable. Big mistake. Do not begin to leave feminine products and toothbrushes at his place; in fact, try not to even sleepover too often. This can make lines seemed blurred and can get uncomfortable. You want to steer clear of anything remotely romantic. Do not buy gifts, do not go on dates, do not pass go and do not collect $200… go directly to the bedroom, (or wherever your place of preference may be) and handle business.
4.Don’t limit yourself to your buddy. You need to be prepared that there is a chance that one or both of you may actually meet someone that you’d like to start dating. Don’t close yourself off from these opportunities. If you’re blowing off potential suitors to spend time with your hook-up bud, you’re already in too deep. Time to reconsider the objective. You want to make sure you end on a good note. No one should come out of a casually agreed upon sexual arrangement feeling anything other than satisfied.
All things considered, is this the right type of non-relationship for you? Years ago, this synopsis would have been frowned upon, but as the sexual revolution continues, and society catches up with the times, “friends with benefits” actually isn’t too out of the ordinary. Make sure to weigh the pros and cons before engaging in the heightened level of friendship because if you don’t, it could be a disastrous end to an otherwise great friendship.
