Every other week on Shorebread one of our “single ladies” will give you a firsthand account of their trials and tribulations navigating the shore’s single scene. We’re in favor of the romantic notion of letter writing–you remember, in the olden days before emails and Facebook, when people handwrote letters and waited weeks for a response. With that in mind, each writer will be signing off under the same penname—Single at the Shore. They are writing to you, dear readers. Feel free to comment, or share your dating stories too.
Introducing Adorkable D… again…
Ask any rational single woman what she is looking for in the opposite sex, and you will probably get the same answer. She’ll say she wants a nice guy with a sense of humor who will treat her with respect. This same woman will then proceed to turn around and run in the opposite direction, falling over herself trying to get to the bad boy whose soul ambition is to use and abuse her. Adorkable D is back and is getting candid with some of her trusted guy pals to get to the bottom of this mystery in this week’s Single at the Shore.
Ever utter the words “He was too nice?” Many of us are guilty of stereotyping overly nice men, but what if beneath the nice guy exterior was a perfect match? A Superman made from Clark Kent? It is possible. Even Lois Lane, the reporter in the Superman series, frequently overlooked Clark Kent for the ever mysterious and masculine Superman.
Meet a bachelor who we will call Clark for all intents and purposes. He’s a very good looking, Ivy League graduate with a great job and great life ambitions, and (to add some icing to the cake) even looks like a real-life Superman. While he gets his fair share of attention from the ladies, he has yet to wind up with a ‘good’ girl.
Clark’s most recent relationship ended after a girl he was seeing ran back to the arms of her ex-boyfriend (with whom she’d had many tumultuous break-ups). Being a friend to both parties, I explained to her that sometimes when we’re apart from something that ended in chaos, we begin to forget the bad things, and miss the good. Like most women, our minds are made of matchsticks and our hearts with gasoline, and in matters of love, we tend to burn the bad memories. Clark was a little bummed, but not devastated. She just wasn’t the girl for him.
Clark had done nothing wrong. He was actually the one initially pursued. He enjoyed going out on dates, paid for things, was accommodating but not a pushover and was by no means clingy. At the end of the day, the bad boy ex had won the girl back, Clark just moved on and let a bad boy (filled with insecurities) scoop up the damsel in distress. Was it the fun of the chase? Clark had been initially hesitant knowing that this girl had crawled back to her bad boy before, but let it happen again. The girl lost interest in Clark.
What is it that draws us to repeat the cycle and continue to chase these so-called perpetual bachelors? To answer this question, we must further explore the standard bad boy traits.
You know the type; cocky, sarcastic, overconfident men who just ooze swagger like no other but are usually incredibly insecure with themselves and with their relationships. Generally, they will treat women as if they’re replaceable, as if they are just aching to climb into bed. Perpetual Bachelors may pursue you, take your number, take your goods along with your pride, and discard you just as quickly. Once the conquest is made, his mission is complete, and he disappears. Before you go putting out an APB or Missing Persons Report, take a minute to let this marinate: “You’ve been had by a bad boy.”
Several of my trusted bad boy friends let me in on their tactics and rules:
– No Communication the next day
– No texts for 3 days, if possible
– Never respond immediately
– Communication must be superficial (nothing emotional or really flirty. Only short answers)
– You cannot care more than they do (at one point or another they’ve been burnt by the female species or life experiences, and have now put their guard up)
– Wash your hands (seriously, that really was one of the rules!)
This is the short list, ladies. I read some of these to Clark who laughed and reassured me that ‘Chivalry is not dead’. He also made a great point; there is a difference between a nice guy and a pushover. Some bad boys are not just out to score and conquer, some just don’t have the ability to understand the feelings. This makes them run. He further explained that nice guys have integrity (with the exception of the super clingy, always agreeing, do-whatever-you-want-them-to-do types) and that playing games is a sign of immaturity and comes off as lacking class.
Clark has had one night stands, but only when the feelings were mutual. It was agreed that sex was all they had wanted from one another. If he would get the impression that a girl was looking for more and he wasn’t into it, he would gracefully decline. The bad boy on the other hand would see this has a lone creature in the wild and would pounce faster than a lion in heat, regardless of the consequence.
The ugly truth of the matter is that even with our usual self-deceit, we want what we can’t have. We reach for what is so blatantly unattainable with the hopes of taming the beast, and being that girl that could do so. Poor Clark is left standing by himself while the bad boy walks away with his woman.
What’s our problem? No self-respecting, sane woman would willingly choose to be openly used and abused, right? There has to be some other factors as to why this happens. It seems that in the same way that men are attracted to a woman’s femininity, while women respond to overt manliness. Only difference is that women respond in a purely elemental and emotional way.
Women respond to independent, untamed masculinity, and confidence; the bad boy has this by the truck load! The Perpetual Bachelor acts like the word insecurity has no place in the in their personal vocabulary, when in all actuality, it’s the good guys that are more secure with themselves. Bad boys have convinced themselves that they are the catch. They have also decided they do not want to get caught.
Buyers beware! Having a man open doors for you, and be overly nice to you should not be considered weird. It should be welcomed and found refreshing. Unless you are just interested in a one night, random kind of thing, know what you are getting into. We know the signs, and if you’re truly looking for a nice guy with the sense of self-worth who’s willing to treat you right, embrace it rather than running from it. Chivalry may not be dead, but it’s an endangered species in the relationship community and we’re only making it easier. Jump at the chance to date a Clark Kent and maybe he’ll be an actual Superman.
— Single at the Shore
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