I’m going to switch it up this week and do something a little different. I usually write about either what’s going on in the bar where I work, what’s going on in my three-ring circus of a home, or what’s going on in and around Ocean City. But this week I couldn’t come up with enough on any single subject matter to write an entire column. It’s mid October so there’s not a whole lot noteworthy  going on in the bar. I tragically was unable to attend the scrapple festival (thanks a lot Ali for teasing me relentlessly with those reports). The Cruisers did the best thing that they could ever possibly do which is come in the weekend following those H2O idiots. So they shine comparatively. And as far as my home life goes, entertaining as it is to most normal folk, there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on there this week. I’ll briefly summarize; my oldest is still on payroll to a point. The three girls in the middle are involved in every activity short of Navy Seal training which keep both minivans mobile in three different zip codes. And the newborn seems to have explosive backside discharge every 8-10 minutes. Good times. Diapers have not gotten cheaper, and I tremble convulsively every time I think about my wife’s imminent return to work from maternity leave. So I have about two weeks remaining until I start my mornings by getting all four kids up and out of the house. And my house incidentally looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Most of you know that I’m a huge fan of ironies and that I often can find humor in places that most rational thinking people wouldn’t even notice. It’s also no secret that I always carry a small notebook with me just about everywhere I go. This is so I can jot down my random thoughts as they come to me, or document things that I find funny as I see them. Also because I thinned the herd of fully functional brain cells so much in the 80’s, 90’s, and early days of this century that I don’t remember most things for more than a couple of minutes. Periodically, the notebook gets pretty full, and I need to purge a bit. So the following is a short list of my thoughts in absolutely no particular order. I hope you enjoy. And please keep in mind before reading this that if you completely understand every bit of it, than you more than likely require professional therapy. Please do not attempt to have any of these thoughts at home. I’ll even number each new thought because I understand that sometimes it’s difficult for normal people to discern when I’ve morphed from one concept to the next.

  1. Yoga pants are not for everyone. It’s really very simple. If strangers can learn more unwanted information about you from walking behind you through Wal Mart than they can from reading your E-Harmony profile, you should go with something a little more loose fitting. That whole “one size fits all” thing is really more of a suggestion than a rule. Look in the freakin mirror before you leave the house. If you find what you see a little disgusting, I promise you everyone else will. Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.
  2. What if Bugs Bunny HAD in fact taken that left turn at Albuquerque? Do you think it would have caused some sort of animated butterfly effect sending all of us into a parallel dimension? The entire universe, and everything we’ve come to accept as the norm could possibly have been thrown into a complete state of discord with one simple navigational alteration by a talking hare.
  3. What if Brad Pitt had a younger, less attractive brother named Stu. (take a minute with that one if you need to) His life would definately suck.
  4. Why isn’t the word PHONETICS spelled the way it sounds? This one has plagued me since childhood. It seems to me that if ever there were a word that should be spelled (fa-net-ik-uh-lee), it’s that one. The concept really kind of loses some credibility when you boil it down to its raw essence.
  5. Did you ever completely forget that you ate asparagus earlier in the evening? Then you take that late night piss, and for a brief moment you think you are going through some potentially fatal toxic metamorphosis and need to call for help immediately. Your mind has a brief image of the CDC showing up in HAZMAT suits putting quarantine tape on your front door while you bleed out from every orifice. Then you remember that earlier today you ate a green vegetable with an odd side effect. So you laugh playfully, and leave the bathroom without flushing so that you can torture the next person to go in there solely for your own entertainment.
  6. How do we really know that monkeys like bananas? What if they don’t at all and it’s just some common misnomer and stigma that we’ve cast upon them for generations? Suppose they secretly loathe bananas, and find our assumptions as offensive as saying that all rednecks have mullets. Or that all women over 70 smell like Jean Nate. Or that no Canadiens have the foggiest idea how to tip when they’re in a bar. Well, you get the point.
  7. If you are a parent and your social life has not changed one single bit from when you had no children; well, then trust me, you’re doing it wrong.
  8. I believe that somewhere there is a gentleman named Albert Toyds. And he is about to completely snap on the next person who asks him if he is ‘curiously strong’. You can take a minute with that one too if you need. There’s no shame in it. I warned you in advance that if you got all of this, you probably are not mentally stable.
  9. I believe wholeheartedly, with every fiber of my very existence, and with staunch conviction that U2 is the absolute most overrated band in the history of EVER! If you disagree with me, then go back to the year 1984. Now imagine that right after the release of the album; The Unforgettable Fire, the band was never seen or heard from again. Now try to convince me that the world wouldn’t have been a better place if that had happened. It’s sickens me enough when a musical ensemble has a single member egomaniacal enough to call themselves by a single name. But when you have two, and one of these douche bags even goes so far as to put “The” in front of it, there’s no room for you on my planet. I’ve never taken a single guitar lesson in my life, and I know approximately two fewer guitar riffs than The Edge. The most talent that’s ever been in that band is the time Dana Carvey played drums for them. And who on Earth doesn’t want to see a 5’4”, 60 year old wannabe hipster wear sunglasses indoors at night and spew his political views to song? Me for one! If you can’t count to four in Spanish, than you probably shouldn’t use that as an intro to one of your songs. If you have absolutely no idea what the lyrics are to another band’s song, you probably shouldn’t be covering it. Please go away!
  10. Hey, remember back before facebook when nobody gave a shit what you had for dinner last night? Yeah, we still don’t.

Well I think 10 thoughts picked completely at random from my notebook is enough for this week.

Thanks for playing along. Until next week, Syd Nichols

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