We’ll aptly title this show, ‘the summer of 2014’. The setting – a busy bar in a beach resort town (sound familiar yet?) The cast of characters – a surreal collection of miscreants that never cease to amaze while simultaneously destroying all hope for humanity…
In order to paint a full picture of the cast, I’ve decided to break down each of the key roles being played on a nightly basis. Thank goodness I come home from work every night and decompress by going room to room and kissing each of my beautiful sleeping daughters goodnight, because I spend every evening at work inundated with those who perpetually cause me to lose faith in humanity. Most of the characters I’m going to describe to you didn’t even exist when I started in the restaurant business, otherwise I would have gone to great lengths to develop another marketable skill long ago. So far, this here writing gig is really just an outlet. It’s my drink slinging prowess that puts food on the table and diapers on butts.
First, there’s “guy who has no cash but refuses to start a check”. Unfortunately, this idiot is everywhere now and he’s multiplying at the rate of wet Gremlins. He’s often alone, or with a group that he’s only a part of by default that would lose him in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. He has no cash at all, and his only means of currency is his haggard ass Discover card with the $500 limit that doesn’t expire for 2 more years yet it looks like it was retrieved from the bowels of the Titanic. He’s dressed like a modern day Huck Finn for his big night out on the town. He is completely devoid of anything that even resembles a personality or some level of refinement. He’s never bought anyone but himself a drink in his life which is why no one else wants him on their check. He will drink the cheapest beer we have all night with the sole exception of when he treats himself to a shot of Fireball later on. He won’t start a check because that would entail relinquishing his beloved piece of plastic for me to hold. So consequently, I have to run his card each and every time he comes to the bar. Unfortunately, I work in a place that for reasons unbeknownst to me, has not yet adopted the credit card minimum rule. So each time I see this walking dismal future, I have to spend roughly 2 minutes with my back to the bar full of productive members of society. This is because Jackass has used this card so much that I have to manually key in the credit card number every freakin time! I should be charging him for a roll of printer tape by the end of the night. And after each $2 draught you get, I have to key in your card number so you can leave a tip that I don’t even bother pulling from the drawer. The worst part about you is that you don’t leave. I keep getting this false sense of relief that you’re gone, and then suddenly you appear and insert yourself back into my life. The group you came in with ran out the door while you were in the bathroom and went to another bar. The odds that you will obtain female companionship tonight are slim to none. You lack the charisma to engage in any type of conversation with strangers. Now you’re just desperately holding out for last call when you can stalk the chubby girl who’s half a drink shy of waking up in a pool of at least 2 different bodily functions. On behalf of every bartender everywhere, please go away.
Our second character is “guy who doesn’t realize how ridiculous his words are until they’re repeated back to him”. He’ll say things like; “my mojito tastes weak.” To which I’ll respond something like; “well if you’d like, we serve men’s drinks too.” Or another gem from him is; “I can’t taste the alcohol in my pina colada.” Yeah dumbass, that’s kind of the idea behind frozen drinks. This is also the same caliber of human swill that will read the entire menu and then look at me and ask; “do you have wings?” Then I answer; “did you see wings on the menu?” The worst part about this guy is that he actually thinks he’s cool. Even when he says something like; “my cosmo is too pink”. Stick to this one simple rule; say it first in your head, and if it doesn’t make you sound like an idiot, you may say it out loud.
Our third character is “Hawaiian shirt guy”. Now this guy I don’t hate on, I actually have empathy for. He’s usually middle aged and recently divorced. He hasn’t been on his own for so long that he really doesn’t know how to function without being under the direct supervision of a spouse. He’s gradually trying to reenter the awkward world of dating and not realizing he’s going about it all wrong. This poor guy is just awkward enough to be confident in his choice of wardrobe. As if it’s not enough that he’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt, he has it tucked into his pants. And to keep it going, he’s wearing jeans and it’s 87 degrees out. Complete the ensemble with a pair of loafers, and accessorize with a gold chain with an anchor hanging from it and a braided leather belt and there’s your guy. I wish you all the best of luck sir. Don’t rule out eHarmony as a viable option.
Well, that’s going to do it for this week, and unfortunately we only got through the first three characters out of a cast of dozens, so obviously I’ll be coming back to this. We’ve only scratched the surface.
Thanks for playing along.
Until next week, Syd Nichols
