Having spent a majority of my life in a bar (mostly standing behind one that is), I’ve always abided by the unwritten rule that the two things you never discuss in a bar are religion and politics. I’ve parlayed that rule into my personal life as well, so I generally don’t discuss these subjects at all, anywhere. It’s always been relatively easy for me to stick this rule since they happen to be the two subjects I have the least interest in discussing. I’d much rather engage in a lengthy debate over what day the recycle truck should come for curbside pick up, or how the “Tuck Rule” was the beginning of the end of NFL football as we know it. In just over a week, I’ll be sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table listening to everyone’s various views and opinions, and even my own family has no idea what my political affiliation is.
With all that said, I’m going to throw you a curve this week and talk politics. Or at least discuss the subject in my own way. In light of the recent election coming to a conclusion, I came away from it with several thoughts. The first of which is that I, like all of you – I’m sure, am absolutely thrilled that all of the campaign ads and commercials are over. There are few things more irritating than these, and the thought of not having to endure them for another four years makes me genuinely happy. I also happen to be amongst the three percent of Americans who actually thinks for themselves and isn’t swayed by these annoyances anyway, so good riddance.
My second thought was that I was constantly reminded of the 1980’s movie Brewster’s Millions starring comedic geniuses Richard Pryor and John Candy. Having not viewed this cinematic gem for nearly a quarter century, I don’t recall all of the exact specifics, but I remember the basic gist of the movie. Richard Pryor’s character (Brewster) was the sole beneficiary of a filthy rich, recently deceased uncle whom he hadn’t previously known. In order to obtain his entire obscene inheritance, he was given a portion of it and was posed with the daunting task of spending a million dollars a day, for 30 days, and had to come away with no liquid assets. One of the methods by which he squandered his newfound fortune was to run for mayor of New York City. He didn’t actually want to win though; he just used this opportunity as a vehicle to blow through his cash. So his campaign slogan was: “Vote For None Of the Above.” Never has this slogan seemed more appropriate than having spent the last several months watching Stan and Ollie verbally duke it out making us choose between the door with the hungry lion behind it, or the one with the angry gladiator.
My third thought was this: What if someone like me were in charge? So I’d now like to informally announce my candidacy for President in 2016. It’s never too early to start campaigning. I’ll be running on a very simple platform of “Bringing Back Human Decency”. I’ll strive to bring us back to a time when manners were more than just a suggestion and we didn’t have to be constantly reminded of them; when “Do unto others” was more than just a theory, when folks were responsible for themselves, and accountable for their own actions, and when the phrase “common sense” was not oxymoronic. I’ll bring us back to a time when NOT everyone got a trophy, it didn’t always end in a tie, and if you failed at something you had to attempt it again (not get a free pass or blame your shortcomings on a host of various excuses). We need to go back to a time when things were not continuously being made easier to accommodate the systematic “dumbing down” of society, when hard work and integrity were rewarded, and laziness and deceit were not. Back to a time when the words: “political correctness” had not yet been uttered and worn as a veil to mask our hypocrisies, insecurities, and inadequacies. In order to achieve this voyage back to a better time, I’ll be introducing a list of potential law changes, and constitutional amendments to be considered which I will cite and explain as follows.
1. THE COURTESY BILL: This one is very simply to bring back manners to society and to keep the words “please” and “thank you” from becoming extinct. It’s also intended to remind us that the words “sir” and “ma’am” are NOT obsolete. I’ll give you some examples of what this bill will include. If you are walking into the entrance of a store, mall, or building of any type, and someone holds the door for you to enter, it will now be MANDATORY that you say thank you. Failure to do so will result in an electrical charge being introduced into your body as you enter the foyer. Not as many volts as a taser gun, or enough to make you crap yourself, just enough of a jolt to remind you that you’re a rude jerk. The person holding the door for you now has the option of giving you a gentle smack to the back of your skull. In 49 states, it will be mandated that the “thank you” will also be accompanied by a smile, and eye contact. (New Yorkers are exempt from this part).
Another portion of this particular bill will make it mandatory that you give the courteous “thank you” wave to the person in the car behind you who has just let you in front of them in heavy traffic. I don’t mean the one finger salute, either. It must be a full on, all five digits completely extended in jazz hand position, side to side waive of sincere gratitude sustained for a minimum of two seconds. Failure to perform this simple gesture of gratitude and decency will result in the driver of the car behind you having the option of gently ramming you. Not enough to put you into a ditch, just a little reminder rub. Nothing quite says, “you’re welcome you ungrateful jackass” like the gentle tapping of bumpers on the interstate.
There are multiple other sub portions to this bill including, “firm handshakes,” and “offering your seat on public transportation,” but in the interest of time and space, I’ll move on to the next piece of proposed legislature.
2. THE SANDUSKY ACT: This proposed bill is very simple, cost effective, and to the point. It also happens to be my personal favorite. If you have been accused and convicted of “his” crimes, which are so heinous that I won’t even print them here and so appalling that I can’t even fit those in my head but you know what they are, then the following punishment will now apply. There will no longer be any jail time, death sentence, fines, or financial retribution of any kind. These criminals will simply have to endure a simple therapy session and then they are free to go. The therapy session will be a three-day-long weekend retreat to a lovely cabin in a remote, undisclosed location somewhere in Montana. They will be fed well, and flown by private jet to this location. Once they’ve arrived at the “retreat” on Friday afternoon, they will not be permitted to leave or have any contact with the outside world until Monday morning. The cabin will be equipped with all necessary accommodations and rations. Once nestled away in the cabin, the intense “therapy” session will begin. The group of “therapists” will be comprised of the fathers of all of his victims. The therapy sessions will be carefully monitored and presided over by a 12-man panel of officials. This “jury” if you will, will consist of a dozen handpicked death row inmates from around the country, all of whom have committed horrible, violent crimes (none of them against children), and all of whom have kids of their own they will never see again. They will be responsible for overseeing the therapy sessions. No phones, cameras, or recording devices of any kind will be permitted in the cabin. Come Monday morning, when the therapy is complete, the offender has paid his debt to society and is free to go if he is able. The fathers/ therapists will be generously compensated for their time with tax payer money obtained from a fund that had previously been set aside to feed, clothe, and house this would-be inmate for the rest of his pathetic life. The hundreds of thousands of dollars which remain in this fund after rewarding the fathers will be put towards other, more suitable purposes like legitimate therapy for victims and such.
Well, that’s only the first two of the proposed law changes on my list of many. I got on a bit of a roll as I sometimes do and have just about run out of space. I’ll have to pick up next week where I left off with my campaign promises and wishes for a better world, and a better tomorrow. I hope you’ve enjoyed it so far. I would really appreciate your support. So until next week…
I’m Syd Nichols and I approve this message.
(By the way, if you haven’t already figured it out, I’m not in fact really running for president. This is just a fun, tongue-in-cheek, what if? piece. So just play along and enjoy. Besides, I’m far too replete with intellect, integrity, and moral fortitude to ever want that office.)
