I’ve spent a majority of my life studying human behavior. I’ve done this not for a course, or credit, or a degree. I’ve done this not for monetary gain, personal advancement, or because I was required to in any way. I’ve done this strictly for my own warped sense of entertainment.
I’ve spent many of my years coming up with new and inventive ways to “F” with the human psyche. I’ve learned that it’s astonishing how the slightest deviation from normal acceptable behavior can throw people completely off of their game and make them incredibly uncomfortable. This is particularly true when strangers are forced to share a confined space. The more I can “weird” people out with my behavior, the more fun I’m having. It’s no big secret that I’m not a big fan of the human race, so the more I can do to make them think I’m completely insane and keep them at bay, the better it is for everyone. Crazy as it sounds, I have actually tried almost all of these. I strongly recommend that you test some of them out, if only for a laugh. So without further adieu, here they are…
SYD’S TOP 10 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
10. When you enter an elevator with a handful of people on board and someone else who just entered is closer to the button panel, wait for them to look at you as if to ask what floor you want. When they do, with a completely blank expression on your face, and without making eye contact say:
“Could you press Cleveland please? Thank you.”
9. When you enter an elevator with only one other person on board, walk up to them and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them. Press up against them somewhat, as if lack of space due to full occupancy by many invisible passengers is forcing you into them.
8. In a crowded elevator, (the more crowded the better), say loud enough for all passengers to hear,
“If anyone smells that, it wasn’t me!”
7. As you enter an elevator with a handful of people on board, walk all the way to the back, (preferably the corner), and press your face against the wall. Hum a single long sustained note for the entire trip and never turn around until its time for you to get off.
6. As you enter a crowded elevator and again, someone is closer to the button panel and looks at you to offer assistance, say this,
“Can you set that for February, 1970 please? I’ve ALWAYS wanted to see my own birth!”
5. Upon entering a crowded elevator, reach out and hold the hands of the people on either side of you and start singing “Kum Bah Ya” as loud as you can.
4. This one is my personal favorite and I’ve done it countless times. Upon entering a crowded elevator while facing all of the other passengers, wait for the doors to close. When they do, instead of turning around to face the doors, remain facing all of the other people. Maintain a really creepy grin and a catatonic like stare throughout the ride. Pick a random floor to exit that no one else is getting off on. When the doors open, step backwards off the car, and continue to walk backwards until out of sight of the people you just spooked.
3. When in a crowded, but not quite full elevator, wait for the doors to close and the ride to begin. A few seconds in, get a look of sheer terror and panic on your face. Bend slightly at the knees and throw both hands against the wall. Preferably two walls, if you’re able. Then, as loud as you can in a horrified voice say,
“WE’VE GOTTA GET THIS THING UP TO 88 MILES PER HOUR OR WE’LL NEVER MAKE IT!”
2. Wait for the crowded elevator to begin its’ ascent after you’ve boarded from the ground floor. A few seconds into the trip, lean towards the person next to you with an impish grin and a look of childlike excitement, as if entering the gates of Disney World for the first time. Then in a loud whisper say,
“First time? Me too. I’m soooooo excited!!” Then point and stare directly at his tie and say,
“By the way, nice socks.”
And finally………
1. Now pay close attention because this one requires a partner and some props. You’ll need a friend with a straight face and a great sense of humor. You’ll also need a pair of plastic novelty handcuffs and a scary, rubber, over-the-head Halloween mask. Go to an obscure floor half way or so up the building where you think the descending elevator car will be most full of people when it opens. Have your friend cuff your hands together behind your back. Make sure he has one hand on your restrained arm to lead you, and the other holding the mask in plain sight. When the doors open, say very loudly for all to hear,
“I’d have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those darn meddling kids!”
Insane? Perhaps a little, but think what fun it would be if everyone lived in my world—or, if a bunch of tourists tried these little suggestions in the Ocean City high rise condo elevators in July!
Until next week…
Thanks for playing along,
Syd Nichols
