There is nothing wrong with being single, but you wouldn’t know it in February. Two words: Valentine’s Day, which I will for all further purposes, refer to as “VD” because according to WebMD, they both sound equally awful.
Let us first examine Cupid, the mascot of this so-called ‘holiday.’ What’s this guys story? He’s a streaker man-child who floats around shooting people with poisoned arrows to make them fall in love. Nowadays we would refer to him as a frat boy and have him up on charges for roofy-ing people. You fail, Cupid. Put some clothes on, and drop your weapon.
I’m not bent on making people in a relationship feel bad (maybe stupid, but not bad) about VD, however, I am a stark realist. Valentine’s is overrated. Take a look at your calendar for instance. Valentine’s is known for being a ‘red’ holiday. Guess what? It’s blue on your calendar. Translation: It’s not a legitimate holiday. It’s just a day that men are compelled to buy drug store roses and heart shaped candy because a fabricated Hallmark sponsored ‘holiday’ tells them to.
Flowers are an absolute joke. They die fast. Men who buy flowers might as well just attach a note that reads, “These roses represent our relationship. They are beautiful now, but will be dead in a week.” The cost of flowers skyrockets as well. Way to price gauge, retailers! I’m pretty certain that this is a blatant abuse of the supply and demand law. If you were Exxon, you would be fined! You know the only thing worse than watching everyone around you get flowers at work? Getting flowers delivered from your mom. Do you lie about who sent them, or tell the truth? You try to figure out which option is the less sad one. Even when I was married, the flowers did not say “I love you” rather “I just spent money we didn’t have. Hope you’re happy. Also, tell your mom I did something nice for once.” No thank you!
Let’s also consider Valentine’s candy. VD has this amazing way of ruining what is otherwise great chocolate. They fill it with stuff that I in particular don’t care to eat, like orange, cranberry and the ever mysterious ‘nougat.’ Not to mention the signature VD treat known as Candy Hearts. These confectioner sugar flavored pieces of chalk come with sayings “Be Mine” and “So Hot.” Please. The only thing that would make me feel better about faking gratitude for this garbage candy, would be complimenting you on your 2nd grade creativity. Way to ruin candy, VD!
Radio and television is a complete bust on VD as well. I’m just going put this out there, have any of you ever thought, “Hey! Let’s watch The Notebook on repeat. And you know what else? I would really love to hear some more Celine Dion and Whitney Houston!” The answer is ‘No.’ A thousand times, no.
Then there’s the jewelry commercials. Ugh, if I have to see one more 30-second clip of a women being so blown away by a man delivering a corny line and a diamond heart-shaped pendant, I may just burst into flames. The jewelry industry is the worst VD culprit of them all. Jared’s, Kay’s, and every other VD peddler alike, here’s my public service announcement to you: Congratulations to you, jewelry industry, on successfully ravaging the people of South Africa by exporting their wealth and inflating the price of diamonds by restricting their supply to the market. But why stop there? Oh wait, you didn’t! You’ve also managed to successfully launch a lucrative marketing campaign that has every woman in America believing that she has to secure her friendship with her female friends by flaunting stones that are meant to resemble a ‘pure relationship.’ You’re shallow, but hey, love is blind so why not let your friends decide whether or not you should keep this poor sap around. Heart shaped jewelry is tacky, anyway.
Then there is the pleasure of watching the guys that overdo this holiday. Listen, the only thing that your attempt to go over the top is doing is leading me to believe that 360+ of the other days of the year, you are a neglectful boyfriend/husband/father. If you think that sending her 100 roses, a tennis bracelet and a serenade will make her forgive you for that time you had an affair with a co-worker, you’re sorely mistaken. The only thing you’re accomplishing is making the other guys look bad. To top it off, she’s probably sleeping with your best friend. Good luck with that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am not bitter about being single on this irrelevant holiday. Men, if birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day are the only days you are showing some love, then you’re doing it wrong. As for me? I will be spending February 14th having a three-way with my two favorite guys, Ben & Jerry, and getting caught up on all the television shows that I’ve been missing out on since I’m always out doing fun, single people things.
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