A few months back, as some of you may remember, I did a top ten list just for a change of pace. Well apparently it was well received. At that time I threatened that there would be more top ten lists to come. As promised, here is another. Now for the sake of this piece, I want you all to operate under the assumption that I’ve been alive forever and was present at every significant, and not so significant historical event. Think of me as kind of like a Forrest Gump, but immortal. These items are listed in no particular order, either chronological, by degree of importance, or otherwise. Simply the order in which they found their way into that warped, gaping abyss that is my mind. After each item, I’ll give a brief “retrospectively speaking” as to why I regret each after having more time to think about it. So here it is friends…
TOP 10 THINGS I WISH I HADN’T SAID.
10. Hey Keanau. You have some real, genuine talent. I think you should pursue a career in acting.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Career peeked with Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Should have called it quits after that for ALL of our sakes.
9. Great idea Natalee. I think Aruba would be the PERFECT place for a senior class trip.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Uhhh…..sorry.
8. I think the idea of books on tape could be a good concept, but you have to make sure you have just the right people reading or it will never work. Might I suggest: Fran Dresher, Jennifer Tilley, Stephen Hawking, and Joan Rivers.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Thanks on behalf of all travelers for not listening to me. Perhaps Morgan Freeman WAS a more prudent choice.
7. Great news Honey! I have an amazing surprise! I cashed in all of my frequent flyer miles and we’re taking the whole family to spend Christmas in Indonesia this year. I hear it’s beautiful this time of year. What’s the worst that could happen?
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: What are the odds?
6. Come on General Custer, don’t be such a wuss. I know we seem a little outnumbered, but I’m sure we can take them. Do you want to be remembered as the guy who backed down to a bunch of poorly armed, disorganized natives?
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Perhaps you should have gone with your gut and conventional military wisdom on this one.
5. Hey Mr. Dylan, you are without a doubt the most amazing song writer ever! But you have such a wonderful singing voice, why don’t you start singing them yourself instead of writing for others?
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: SERIOUSLY?!!
4. Hey Scott, if you really want to wow Lacey this year for Christmas, do something totally different and unexpected. Like, oh, I don’t know, surprise her with a fishing trip.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: My bad.
3. I really like the new Black Eyed Peas video but it’s missing something. I GOT IT! It needs more close ups of Fergie.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Perhaps if the second lead role in The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow were available she would be smoking hot. But the Headless Horseman has already been cast. So given her likeness from the neck up, perhaps playing the Joker in the next Batman movie would be a better idea.
2. Welcome to Dallas Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy. There’s been a slight change of plans. Since it’s such a gorgeous day out, I thought we’d drive in a convertible and take a detour through Dealy Plaza. Sound good?
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Did NOT see that one coming.
1. Hey O.J. Maybe it’s not my place to say, but I’m pretty sure that waiter over there is nailing your ex-wife. I’m just sayin.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Dude, WHAT THE F@#*!!!
Well there you have it folks. A brief tour through history from the twisted mind of Syd. I hope you found it entertaining. I’m sure I’ve alienated some of you, but I am who I am. Thanks for playing along.
Until next week,
Syd Nichols
