In preparation of the forthcoming Memorial Weekend – the official start of summer for the coastal region, Shorebread has decided to re-run Syd’s afterthoughts on the summer of 2011 – Syd’s Top 10 Least Used Items in Ocean City, Summer 2011. Take it as advice on things NOT to do this summer, or just laugh along with his sarcastic, witty, and often truthful observations. Here’s to another wonderful summer season on the Eastern Shore…
Initially published September, 2011
Summer gradually morphs into fall. Another glorious season winds down. A hundred thousand people or so, make the annual pilgrimage to the west. It’s back to reality for them–back to their lives as students, teachers, housewives, underachievers, and so on. Leaving in their wake the sweet smells of salt air and beer farts, and a security deposit they will never see again.
Temperatures, the sun, the town’s population, and sales plummet rapidly. Vehicles heading out of town are packed to the hilt with belongings, souvenirs, and memories of a summer gone by too quickly. Many will return next summer to do it all over again–others will never return. And even a handful may just forget to leave all together, and make this place their home. Though I can’t imagine who would do that.
This, assuming my math is accurate, was summer number 24 for me–give or take. Remember, a large chunk of my life could be described as “hazy” at best. This season, as I have with so many before–I sat back and observed, enjoyed, and absorbed all of the sights and sounds of summer at the beach. I took in all these views from my usual perch in the cheap seats of the arena that is life, making my usual mental notes along the way, constantly stuffing new folders into the warped, surreal file cabinet that is my brain. And now, like it or not, you folks have been invited into the amusement park of my mind. Please keep head and arms inside the car and enjoy the ride.
All of that said, I’ve decided to switch the format up a little bit this week. I’ve comprised a Top 10 list based on my thoughts and observations of this summer gone by. This is my homage to summer 2011. After each item, I’ll give a brief rationalization.
“Syd’s Top 10 Least Used Items in Ocean City, Summer 2011.”
10. COVER-UPS– I admire the fact that you are comfortable with your own body. But I’m not comfortable with your body. Once you’ve come off the beach, WRAP IT UP! Nobody but the Jagermeister black out guy from last night wants to see that much of you.
9. THE MATH SKILLS TO CALCULATE A GRATUITY PERCENTAGE GREATER THAN 15-There’s been a recent rash of what I like to call “verbal tippers”. These are the people who, in lieu of leaving me money, sing my praises and say how great I, and everything was. While your onslaught of audible accolades is flattering, I would much prefer the cash. Until I can find a store that will accept second hand compliments as currency for diapers and formula, PLEASE TIP! I think I speak on behalf of all service industry employees when I say, we’d rather you dug into your pockets a little deeper and leave not really liking us, then to tell us how awesome we are and then crap on us. Thank you.
8. THE WORDS PLEASE and THANK YOU-It’s a sad state of affairs when I look at my partner behind the bar at 11:00 on a Saturday night and say; “the first person who says please or thank you to me when I serve them a drink tonight, I’m going to buy it for them”. Have simple manners become a thing of the past?
7. CONDOMS- Not much to say about it. Let’s just hope that come April 2012 there’s not a rash of “my God, what did I do last summer” babies entering the world.
6. ALARM CLOCKS– Nothing wrong with it, just a fact. That’s why none of the kids who were actually born in this country work the day shifts. It’s not a real “go-getter” generation.
5. TURN SIGNALS– They’re not just a fun little accessory to your car like a cup holder or Blue tooth device. They’re kind of a necessary evil. Feel free to use them.
4. FASHION SENSE– Hell, I’m far from a slave to it, but I can’t help but wonder if all the mirrors have been removed from all condos, hotels, and weekly rentals. Does no one travel with a friend or relative close enough to tell them when they look like a buffoon anymore? My siblings are in their fifties and they’d STILL have no problem telling me when I look or act like an ass.
3. COMMON SENSE– Next time your body goes on vacation, invite your brain along with it. Not only do state and local laws apply, but the laws of physics, gravity, centrifugal force, inertia, and chemistry apply as well. You are not bullet proof, invisible, or invincible just because you are at sea level. And your body processes alcohol at the same rate as back home.
2. CROSS-WALKS– If your young child’s life doesn’t mean enough to you to walk the extra 30 yards to cross the highway at a stop light, you probably shouldn’t have been allowed to breed in the first place. Your bag of salt water taffy is not so heavy and cumbersome that you can’t walk and extra hundred paces towards safety.
And finally……
1. SHIRTS WITH SLEEVES– I’m convinced that sleeves are a thing of past. And yet, so few people actually have the build to wear them. Much as I enjoy a crystal clear view of your enormous quaff of armpit fur as you dip your $36 steak into a monkey dish full of ketchup, others may not share my enthusiasm. Or, perhaps with Armageddon only a year away, maybe I’m the last one to find out that Larry The Cable Guy is actually the “second coming”.
I hope you all enjoyed, and thanks for playing along. If you can think of any I missed, mention them in the comment section at the bottom. Next week I’ll get back to good old fashioned story telling. Though there may be another top ten list in the future. I’m already working on one called” “Fun Things To Do In Public Restrooms.”
