Last week I discussed the various holiday preparations taking place in my house. I also informed you on how the proverbial belt was being tightened this year. I started to go into detail about how hard times had even fallen upon the North Pole and Santa’s Workshop. In an effort to squelch any Christmas day disappointments, I was attempting to make my one daughter aware of how this season would be slightly unlike those past and future. I’ll now continue briefing you on the exchange with my daughter and detail some of the other cutbacks from the North Pole.
I had previously mentioned the massive lay off of Elves from Santa’s workshop. I’m going to jump right in and pick up where I left off. The unemployed Elves were proud, yet desperate. They were now forced to take any positions available. Some of them signed on to be the pit crew at a competitive go-cart track. One even resorted to being a model for the Doug Flutie bobble head doll. One was so desperate; he painted himself silver, and sold himself on E-Bay as a hood ornament for a 56 Buick. One joined an underground fight club but his reign was short lived. After beating the crap out of Barbie’s beloved Ken, he was mauled so ruthlessly by G.I. Joe that he couldn’t go on. This is just a handful of the sad stories from the Elf community.
The cutbacks at the Pole didn’t only affect the elves though. The reindeer community was hit hard by the financial problems as well. In fact, due to a rise in feed prices, Santa will be forced to travel with a 6 reindeer powered sleigh instead of his usual 8. He didn’t want to, but he had no choice, so decisions had to be made regarding who would not make the trip. As it turns out, Blitzen showed up for training camp this year sixty pounds overweight and plagued with emotional problems. He once did the forty yard leap in 4.3 seconds, and now it took him nearly 6 to get to the proper cruising altitude. It was a sad day in the stables up north. He was cut from the team after a long and lucrative career. He’s reportedly taking it well though. He’s been hitting the gym and hopes to make a comeback next year as quarterback of the New York Jets or Minnesota Vikings.
The other reindeer cut from the team is an even sadder story. It pains me to even say it folks. Rudolf has been suspended for the season after failing a random drug test. I won’t get into specifics about what banned, performance enhancing drug he tested positive for which gave him an edge spanning the entire globe in one evening. All I will say is that the red nose finally makes sense. I’m deeply saddened to know that one day in the reindeer hall of fame, his mounted head and antlers will have an asterisk beneath them. I’m told he’s seeking the appropriate help he so desperately needs. We wish him all the best.
Turmoil has found its way to Christmas Village in other forms as well. Sadly, after a couple thousand years, Mrs. Clause was finally feeling the effects of menopause. It hit her with full force and she wasn’t coping with it well at all. She was constantly adjusting the thermostats and barking at the elves and even Santa. Nick, being a Saint was very tolerant and patient at first but even he has his limitations. Mrs. C sought refuge in the bottle. Yes, she was hitting the Nog pretty hard. Her erratic behaviors and mood swings wore everyone down and eventually landed her on the “naughty list”.
It was a depressing time at the North Pole. Morale was at an all time low, and toy production almost came to a complete halt. She finally hit rock bottom the night she went out alone in the sleigh powered only by Rudolph and after crashing into a snow bank she was charged with S.W.I. This prompted an emotional intervention.
In addition to Mr. Clause, several adoring elf supporters, and most of the reindeer, Bob Newhart, Will Ferrell, Zoey Deschanel, and the voices of Burle Ives, and Mickey Rooney attended the intervention. They even employed the use of an Ouija board to elicit the advice and input from the spirit of Jimmy Stewart. Thankfully, the outpouring of love and support for Mrs. Clause from the community, and the intervention seemed to work. She’s now two weeks into a 28 day retreat at Passages Malibu where she’s reportedly responding well to the therapy. Her celebrity status garnered her a luxury suite in the prestigious Lindsay Lohan wing. She is expected to be released in time for Christmas and she and Santa are booked on the Dr. Phil show immediately following. We wish them nothing but good tidings.
There were a few other sad stories of hardship from the North Pole recently. Yukon Cornelius completely exhausted the area’s gold supply and was having difficulty feeding his dogs. He’s hoping to win this year’s Iditarod to get back on his feet. He’s planning on using the winnings to attend night school and develop a more useful skill. We wish him the best of luck in his endeavors.
Hermie recently returned to the Pole completely destitute and with his tail between his legs. He had sadly developed a bit of a penchant for gambling. He bet everything he had on Heat Meiser to win the Super Bowl last year. When it didn’t come to fruition, he subsequently lost his Boca Raton dental practice and was forced to come home.
FOLLOW UP:
After an unprecedented outpouring of Christmas spirit globally this year things are getting back to normal at the North Pole. They awoke one morning to find the entire region enveloped in a blanket of magic snow despite rumors of global warming. Suddenly everything seemed right again.
The demand for toys was at an all-time high so Santa called each and every elf back to work. Blitzen got his head clear, was on a strict diet, and was in the gym 6 times a week. He’s now back to his rookie season form and is expected to make the team again. Rudolph has appealed his suspension, and pending its results and stipulations, he may be back in front of the sleigh in time for Christmas. (Unfortunately, the most popular holiday song of all time will be forever tainted). Mrs. C. returned from her coastal California retreat and things have never been better for her and the big guy. They are planning a second honeymoon to the South Pole in January. Yukon Cornelius traveled to Hollywood to deliver the news in person to the displaced elves that they were being called back to service. He loved the area and decided to stay. He is now known as the “dog trainer to the stars” and his business is booming. Hermie got counseling for his gambling addiction and has vowed to never so much as buy a scratch off ticket again. He also discovered that there is a serious lack of fluoride in the melting Polar ice caps and a serious demand for a good local dentist in the Eskimo community. He has a full load of appointments booked all the way until March. Jimmy Stewart is still dead, but he sent us a message that he had a Wonderful Life. And finally, Christmas miracles will be evidenced all over the world this season as smiling, believing children will awaken on the 25th completely unaware of the difficult road that many traveled to provide their happiness.
Needless to say, I did NOT in fact give the preceding speech to my daughter. It was just a fun story that just kept on writing itself as I went along. Christmas will still be the happiest day of the year in my house and smiles will adorn the faces of three beautiful little girls, and one handsome young man. As cynical as I am, I can’t wait for that morning. I hope you all enjoyed my warped take on holiday preparations. It was really fun to write. My family and I hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday season. Thanks for playing along.
Until next week,
Syd Nichols
