Every now and again on ShoreBread one of our “single ladies” will give you a firsthand account of their trials and tribulations navigating the shore’s single scene. We’re in favor of the romantic notion of letter writing–you remember, in the olden days before emails and Facebook, when people handwrote letters and waited weeks for a response. With that in mind, each writer will be signing off under the same penname—Single at the Shore. They are writing to you, dear readers. Feel free to comment, or share your dating stories too.

One of the major downfalls of being a single girl is that all of your married or shacked up friends feel the need to set you up. I’ve fallen for the match-making trick a few too many times. It has led to a handful of blind date catastrophes that I couldn’t make up even if I tried.

Mr. Sushi

We’ll start with creepy bachelor number one. About four years ago one of my newlywed girl friends decided I needed to start dating again because it’d been about a year since my last relationship. I reluctantly went on a blind date with a guy I thought she knew rather well but I found out later she hardly knew; just thought he seemed nice. I discovered this when I called her after he tried to force feed me sushi when I met him for dinner. I’m not a toddler I can feed myself, homey. He stared at me very uncomfortably the entire dinner. By the end I felt like he wanted my skin for a coat and couldn’t get to my car fast enough. He followed me and asked ‘now what?’ “Well, I’m going home I don’t know what you’re doing but thanks for dinner,” I thought.

Soup Nazi

I gave this friend a chance to redeem herself; she set me up with her best guy friend. I had met him once and thought he was funny so I didn’t think much harm would come from a dinner with him. Neither of them live near me, so he actually picked me up from her house. The ride to dinner was fine; we were cracking jokes and listening to music. It was winter time and he took me to a really cute restaurant on the water. I was freezing so I ordered a ginormous bowl of crab soup and a salad. I noticed he wasn’t very talkative over dinner and felt like I was carrying most of the conversation. We went back to my friend’s house to hang out with everyone and I overheard him talking to her in the kitchen. Evidently I had completely pissed him off because all I ordered was soup for dinner? Get over it Soup Nazi. I was cold and it was delicious.

Egotistical

A few months later her sister tried to set me up. She had gone on a date with a guy she met on an online dating site and thought he’d be a better match for me so she gave him my number. Thanks for your leftovers right? I went out to dinner with him and thought he was nice but he talked about himself an awful lot. And I was pretty sure I saw him checking out his reflection while we were eating. The girls had a New Year’s Eve Party about a week after I had gone out with him and I was going to be the only one without a date, which I didn’t feel bad about but they pointed out. I didn’t really want him to be my date because I didn’t think he’d be very fun but invited him just to avoid the pity. He was going out of town with college friends so I said “No worries have a great time! Happy New Year!” My friend apparently texted him to invite him also and told him I was the only one without a date. I know she cared – but I didn’t. I could’ve killed her because that just pumped his ego. I soon had conceited texts from him because he had other plans. Please! I would’ve had more fun with the mirror he was staring at himself in.

Country Boy

I stopped going on dates for a while because (let’s face it) they weren’t going well. Then one of my best friends was getting married and I was spending a lot of time with her and the rest of the wedding party. Her now husband and his friends are very country, which I am not, but I thought they were a lot of fun. She decided she wanted to set me up with one of his best friends. We are total opposites so I was completely against it. He’s painfully shy, I’m not. He shoots animals, I don’t. He wears camouflage, I own Louboutins. She told me to get out of my comfort zone – so I did. We went on a handful of dates and they weren’t so bad. He talked sometimes, mostly when we were in a group or if he’d had six Budweisers.

One weekend after we’d been hanging out a lot, my best friends came to visit. We were at our friend’s apartment getting ready to go out and he text me asking what I was up to. I told him we were going out and apparently he was at the bar we were headed to. I didn’t see him when we got there at first. After about half an hour I saw him walking with my friend’s husband so I got up to say hello. He didn’t talk to me and it was really awkward so I went back and sat with my friends. I saw him a little while later and he asked if I was having fun. He seemed angry so I didn’t really want to be around him. Around midnight I started getting drunken texts and voicemails from him cussing me out for sitting with a guy… the guy was one of my best friends, who I had never dated or been interested in, and I had introduced them before! I asked him to stop texting me and then I started getting these gems: “Have fun with Jakie Chan, hooker. Talk at you later.” My friend is Asian and apparently he doesn’t know how to spell Jackie.

So, that’s how that went. He apologized the next morning but I never responded. What do you say to that?!

I wish I could make these stories up. I think it’s safe to say that blind dates, set ups, and guys texting me just doesn’t end well.

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