If you’ve been following along through parts 1 and 2 of this piece than you know that I’ve announced my candidacy for the office of President in 2016. I’ve been presenting you with the platform upon which I’ll be running. This includes a list of potential proposed bills and law changes. I’ve gotten through three of them so far, and I’ll now present you with some others…
4. THE THICK SKIN ACT: It seems we’ve become a nation of overly sensitive, easily insulted, thin-skinned pansies who are constantly trying to spoil the fun of those who have beliefs, rituals, or celebratory practices which are different from our own. We preach Freedom of Speech (but only if it doesn’t potentially offend someone else). We’re now amending our amendments to accommodate the sensitivities of people who have way too much free time and nothing to do with it but spoil the fun of others.
I’ll give you an example of what got me thinking that being PC has gone too far. I read an article a few years ago that stated that a county in Washington State was going to ban/outlaw Halloween. The reason cited for making this holiday—which has been revered by children everywhere for a long, long time—unlawful was that it was offensive to witches. Really? Evidently, there’s a large enough contingency of sensitive folks in the Pacific Northwest practicing the art of witchcraft to potentially initiate legislation. Am I insensitive, or is this taking PC a little too far? I’d really hate to have to explain to my daughters why they can’t go door-to-door one night a year dressed as their favorite Disney Princesses requesting sweets from my neighbors simply because some loon on the other side of the country who spends her time mixing potions in cauldrons doesn’t appreciate it. Apparently green skin is a little thinner.
We’ve already traveled so far down the PC path that we find ourselves inventing new words just to please some people. There should be an official PC dictionary listing the new proper terms for things and the verbiage they’ve replaced. At some point, thespians of both sexes became insistent upon being referred to as ‘actors’ with an exaggerated stress on the letter ‘O’. Apparently the word actress is now offensive to women who get paid to pretend to be someone else for the sole purpose of entertainment.
Over the course of a century’s worth of wars and conflicts, the term ‘shell-shocked’ has been lengthened to ‘post traumatic stress disorder.’ I’m not taking away from the condition at all, it just seems like a lot of unnecessary syllables. When I was a child, one of my favorite games to play was ‘cops and robbers’. If my calculations are correct, this activity must now be referred to as ‘non-gender specific law enforcement officials and persons of interest’. Another of my favorite childhood activities was ‘cowboys and Indians’. Apparently, this too must be amended. The new term for this game will now be ‘southwest dwelling bovine gentlemen and ladies and Native American friends’. I think I’m starting to figure this whole thing out. You’d think the concept would be a dream come true for a guy like me. By that I mean a writer who works on a word count with limited thoughts and a penchant for over verbosity. I’m still not on board though.
We need to stop letting our sensitivities be a buzz kill for those around us. If I pass you in the grocery store on December 23 and wish you a Merry Christmas, I assure you, I had no malicious intent. We don’t all wear our beliefs and practices right on our sleeves. I have very dark hair, very dark eyes, went to a predominantly Jewish high school, and my last name (my other name that is), has an overtly Hebrew ring to it. And yet, I never once got angry with someone for wishing me a Happy Hanukkah even though I was raised Catholic. (I’m all better now by the way). I’m very economic as it pertains to things that upset me. The only Irish I’ve ever had in me is – on the rare occasion that I deviate from vodka – a drink of Guinness. And yet I’ve never been irritated with someone for wishing me a happy Saint Patrick’s Day. If the lights on the front of my house and the inverted cone shaped decorated evergreen tree in my window offend you, then look the other way when you drive by. If you have enough free time to pen an angry letter about this to a lawmaker, then I suggest you get a hobby or a part time job—just a little friendly advice.
I’m not inferring that we all believe, practice, and celebrate the same things. That would be an asinine suggestion. Diversity is the backbone of our great country. I’m simply implying that we need to grow a thicker skin, be a little pickier about what we find offensive, and a little more tolerant of the rituals of others. In fact, when you think about it, isn’t the practice of being insulted and angered by the beliefs and practices of others in and of itself, insensitive, intolerant, and discriminatory? So by that rationale, isn’t political correctness, at least to a point, politically incorrect? There, you see, I’ve just proven yet another popular modern American concept to be as oxymoronic as the separation of church and state.
Which brings us to a whole other can of worms that I’m going to gratuitously skip over and leave unopened.
5. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK ACT: This is another of my proposed pieces of legislation. It’s quite simply intended to limit the number of stupid or offensive things that people are permitted to say and get away with. It will alleviate the rest of us from having to hear things on daily basis that we’ve become so accustomed to hearing that we don’t even realize how dumb they are anymore. I’ll list a small portion of the phrases that will now result in the speaker being forced to go in ‘time out’ and write a hundred word essays explaining why their words were stupid or insulting.
A.) “You look different, did you put on weight?”
B.) “Wow, your hair really got grey.”
C.) This is one we’ve all heard when we’ve lost something like our keys for example for period of time and then eventually found them.“It’s always the last place you look.” Ya think? Nobody continues to search for something after they’ve found it! This is one of the dumbest sentences ever spoken, and yet we hear it routinely. No more!
D.) The overuse of the phrase: “There’s nothing worse than…” is no longer permitted. For example, how often have you heard someone say something like: “Yeah, there’s nothing worse than being fourth in line at the Wal-Mart checkout counter.” I think there are a lot of things worse. Cancer, starvation, falling into a wood chipper, tsunamis, compound fractures, war, explosive diarrhea in a public setting, and being struck by lightning are all examples of things that are much, much worse than standing in line. And those are just a few off the top of my head.
These are just a handful of examples of phrases that will no longer be acceptable under the new law. The list is never ending, but I think you get the point. The rule is simple, say it first in your head, if it still doesn’t sound idiotic or potentially hurtful, than you may take your chances at speaking it.
6. THE SPELLCHECK IRONY BILL: Now let me first say that I’m aware of the fact that this is the proverbial ‘dead horse’ that I’ve beaten often. But it’s bothered me since childhood and I think it’s time for a change. Under this proposed act, the word “PHONETIC” will here to fore be spelled “FUH-NET-IK”. Spare me the emails. I’m not an idiot. I understand that the root of the word is PHONIC, and what if means. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. It just seems to me that the word, that by definition means spelled the way it sounds, should be spelled the way it sounds. Do you think that Miriam Webster giggled audibly at the irony the first time he made this entry into his little reference book?
Well that’s about all the space I have for this week. There are some more of the potential law changes from my platform. I hope you’re enjoying it so far and plan to vote for me.
So until next week…
I’m Syd Nichols and I approve this message.
